How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

In this blog I want to highlight some key practices that help someone with an insecure attachment style to develop a more secure attachment style. An attachment style is the general way that people typically bond or 'attach' to one another. Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby. There are four main attachment styles; secure; avoidant; anxious and disorganised. In this blog I will only be discussing secure, avoidant and anxious attachment style. Bowlby believed that attachment styles were developed by the age of two years old and were set for life! However, there is much evidence to the contrary and, not only have I witnessed my own attachment style change, I have also worked with clients in my RHTherapy practice to help them develop a more secure attachment style.

What attachment style am I? I am going to list some of the behaviours associated with secure, avoidant and anxious attachment style to help you identify which attachment style you have. This list is not exhaustive, and many people may recognise traits in themselves in each of the categories. The main objective of identifying these traits is to reflect upon how you are behaving in unhelpful ways in your relationships. By recognising how your behaviours, emotions and thoughts are influenced by your attachment disposition, the easier it will be to catch these unhelpful patterns and utilise some of the more beneficial practices that I am going to share.

Secure attachment- How it shows up in relationships

People with secure attachment style tend to form friendships easily, they feel comfortable spending time on their own AND with others. When they feel uncomfortable in a relationship, they communicate their needs with family, friends and partners. At a party, those with secure attachment styles will feel comfortable leaving their partner or friend that they came with to go away and mingle, without feeling anxious, excluded or jealous. They desire emotional intimacy, are emotionally open, can deal with and process negative emotions with relative ease and allow themselves to be comforted by others. They are loving and empathetic and can easily commit to their preferred relationships. Anxious Attachment- How it shows up in relationships People with anxious attachment style can form relationships easily because they desire intimate connections with others. However these relationships can feel intense to the anxious person, because they fear abandonment. The fear of abandonment causes those with anxious attachment style to try and maintain relationships by constantly trying to please other people, in spite of their own needs, which they largely ignore or don't express. This backfires and causes them to feel resentful or angry at their partner. They tend to obsess over the status of their relationship, even when there are no issues. They can become easily jealous of others and have lower self-esteem. When they feel especially anxious, those with this attachment style can become self-absorbed in their own thoughts, because they are pre-occupied with the anxiety they feel around potentially losing their partner or friendships. They may come up with ways to 'test' their partner's loyalty, which are often backfire and cause them to feel even more anxious. Avoidant Attachment- How it shows up in relationships People with avoidant attachment style may form superficial attachments such as acquaintances and work 'friends.' However they struggle to develop and maintain more intimate relationships such as close long term friendships and romantic partners. They may often be perceived as strong and independent, which they often feel proud of. They prefer to spend time alone and tend to form strict boundaries in relationships e.g they may avoid introducing partners to their friends or family, or only maintain casual sexual relationships. They may start to feel trapped if they are around others for too long because they fear being smothered by others. They tend to lack empathy and don't have a lot of time for others feelings because it makes them feel uncomfortable being that close emotionally to someone else. They are unlikely to commit to any long term plans, or send mixed signals. This is because, although they do crave intimacy on some level, they are also afraid. Why would I want a secure attachment?

Poor self-esteem, anxiety and depression are just some of the ways that having an insecure attachment style can affect your mental health. The main reason these issues arise is because people with an insecure attachment style lack an emotionally secure base from which they can navigate external relationships. They don't feel secure enough to relate to others as equals, so shy away or feel afraid. When this shows up in relationships, it plays out in ways that create disconnection. As humans are social animals, disconnections hurts us emotionally, and, if felt over a long period of time can develop into mental illness.

How can I develop a secure attachment? There are loads of ways you can develop a more secure attachment style. People who 'naturally' have a secure attachment style are very fortunate. As children, these people likely had all their emotional and physical needs met. For example, when they were hungry, they were fed promptly, when they fell and hurt themselves, they were picked up and soothed until they felt better. If they were emotional in some way, this was (most of the time) explored with an empathetic parent. All of these things help an individual to, firstly, believe that their physical needs and emotional needs are appropriate, and secondly, identify their emotions and regulate how they feel. These beliefs for a 'secure base' for the individual, and a healthy blueprint to relate to others in the same way.

Conversely, people with insecure attachment were not related to in this way. As children, those of us with insecure attachment styles did not adequately get our physical and emotional needs met. For example, when we were babies, our mother's may not have came to feed us or change us when we needed it. When we fell and hurt ourselves, our cries may have been ignored, or we may have been picked up but not adequately soothed. If we were emotional in some way, our feeling may have been ignored, dismissed, condemned or minimised, or met with an over reactive response- such as an overly anxious mother.

I believe that most parents are doing the very best they know how, and this article is not written to blame parents for the creation of an insecure attachment in their children. Parents are not always able to meet the needs of children because they are facing adversities in their own life such as; divorce proceedings; addiction; trauma; mental illness; abusive partner; having to take care of a lot of children; poverty and physical illness etc. that leave little time and emotional energy to extend empathy and understanding towards their children. With that being said, a secure base is the best gift a parent can give any child, as they will grow up feeling confident, having good insight into how they feel, and will be able to connect with others without feeling overly smothered or scared of disconnection. People can develop a secure attachment by developing that secure base for themselves, in their adult life. Here are a few ways I have been able to develop a secure attachment in my own life, which I have also seen work for my clients: 1. Be kind about your reactions and face the pain.

If you have an insecure attachment style, chances are that whenever you are facing emotional difficulties in your relationship, you tend to act in unhelpful ways. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may feel jealous when your partner talks to someone of the gender or genders they are attracted to. Or, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you may start limiting contact with your partner when they talk about making long term plans. Both of the individuals in each example crave intimacy, but they fear either losing it, or having it consume them, so it's safer to react in these ways. However, these behaviours ultimately do not increase intimacy. In the first example, the anxious attachment partner destroys connection by becoming overwhelmed with their own fear of abandonment, and the avoidant partner destroys chance for intimacy by emotionally distancing from their partner. If you are reading this because you really want to feel more secure, it may feel frustrating when you realise that you are still defaulting to these behaviours. You know that there are better ways and you just want feel secure and have loving, intimate relationships. But here's the deal; these patterns of thoughts, emotional reactions and behaviours have been practised by you for your entire lifetime! They feel natural. They feel more familiar than anything else. These patterns were born out of attachment wounds- as a child it was so painful to not feel seen, heard and validated, that we learned to either hustle for connection-which makes us feel inadequate and inauthentic, or shut off from connection- which makes us feel numb and lonely. These patterns of thoughts and behaviours, although ultimately unfulfilling, feel protective. They feel safer than authentically connecting with others. In order to come up with healthier ways of relating, that can feel vulnerable, but real, we must first address the attachment wounds. It is extremely helpful to address attachment wounds with a therapist. Painful memories can be overwhelming to sit with and understand by yourself. Talking through these uncomfortable emotions with a therapist can help resolve any unresolved hurt or trauma. Also, a good therapist will have a secure attachment, and will be able to model healthy relationship dynamics with you. They will care about what you are feeling, be empathetic and explore what your needs are and how you can meet them, something that may never have been modelled to you as a child. As both anxious and avoidant attachment people tend to pair up with other people with insecure attachment styles, therapy may be the first time where you actually form a relationship that is secure. It's a great stepping stone for building more and more secure relationships as you process past hurts and develop a healthier attachment.

2. Remind yourself that you matter

People with insecure attachment tend to have a lower opinion of themselves that those with secure attachment, and this makes perfect logical sense; as children, secure attachment individuals were listened to, had their needs met and their feelings were valid. Therefore they came to the conclusion that they should have their needs met, be listened to and believe that how they feel matters. They matter. Conversely, as children, insecurely attached individuals were not always listened to, their needs were not adequately met and their feelings were ignored or invalidated. Therefore they came to the conclusion that they are not worth listening to, their needs aren't that important and their feelings either aren't valid or will be ignored. They don't matter.

The belief that you matter vs. the belief that you don't matter or matter less than others, is the key difference in thinking that causes someone to feel either secure or insecure. To become more secure we must remind ourselves that we matter. How can I remind myself that I matter? There are many ways that you can remind yourself that you matter. The first one I will mention here is noticing how you feel. People with insecure attachment tend to either hide or ignore how they feel, which reinforces feelings of inadequacy. Try to check in with yourself throughout the day to see how you are feeling. This may be difficult at first if you are used to ignoring it, but stick with it. You can do this as little or as often as you feel appropriate, though I would recommend you try checking in with yourself at least once a day. It may be hard initially to recognise the particular emotions you are feeling, or, it may feel a little overwhelming to sit with those emotions. All this is completely okay and pat of the process. The more you can identify how you feel, the more you are going to realise; you are an individual, with very real feelings and desires, just like every other person. How you feel matters, just like every other person.

3. Affirmations

Another way of reinforcing your unique value, is to take stock of all the great qualities that are unique to you. Consistently writing down all of your strengths reinforces the idea that you have a great deal to offer yourself and others in any relationship. Start off by writing a few down each day. It is also helpful to practise self-love. It is also helpful to write affirmations such as, 'I approve of myself' and 'I am lovable.' 4. Practise Self-Love The practise of self-love is essentially, giving yourself what you need when you need it. For example, if you are tired, go to sleep. If you are upset, soothe yourself. If you are hungry, eat healthy food and if you are feeling sluggish, exercise. This sounds straightforward, but for people with insecure attachments, particularly anxious attachment people, they struggle to give themselves what they need because they are trying to be there for others. They may choose to go attend a party at the weekend even though they have had a really busy week at work and feel exhausted. Becoming more secure means loving yourself first, taking care of your own needs- ultimately when you do this you are also being your best for others as you are showing up as your best, cared for self. If this is something you really struggle with I would recommend thinking about what you would do if a friend had the same need you have right now and do what you would do for them or recommend them to do.

5. Meditation

An avoidant style person may start to feel very trapped when a relatively new partner talks about meeting their family. Their first reaction may be to leave the situation as quickly as possibly by either physically moving away or attempting to shut down the conversation. This discomfort may even lead to a premature break up! The situation has caused the avoidant person to become emotionally triggered. They are likely feeling overwhelmed and this can quickly lead to avoidant behaviour. What minimises the chances of reacting in your usual insecure way is being able to quickly identify how we feel, why we feel that way, and to know that we have alternative choices. Meditation helps with this. When you meditate, you slow down or stop all thought and become aware of how you feel. Practised consistently, you will start to become more present in general and when you are emotionally triggered, having that presence of mind will

takes the charge out of our flight/flight/freeze response and allows time to quickly regroup. For anxious attachment people, who tend to overthink about relationships, meditation will help to reduce ruminating thoughts and you'll soon be able to separate a rational thought about your relationship from an anxious thought.

These are just some of the ways that those of us with insecure attachment style can begin to develop healthier, more secure ways of relating to ourselves and others. If you feel that you have an insecure attachment and would like to talk to a therapist, please feel free to get in touch with me. Thanks for reading!

#change #anxiety